KNOW YOUR STARS CHARMED STYLE
by SapphoAndCyanide
Summary: Think you know the stars of Charmed? Well think again! Because you don't! Just something I did cuz I was bored...Funny...the 7th chapter is FINALLY here! Don't like snark? Don't read...
1. Alyssa Milano

**_Know your stars…Charmed Style_**

**A:N/ **This is some weird little thing they used to do on Nickelodeon all the time. This slow dragged out voice would say all kinds of mean and funny stuff about the celebrity and it was halarious! So, I'm doin it! Oh, Alex, I stole something from you.

Disclaimer: I wish I owned this. But I own nothing.

Voice: _Know your stars…Know your stars…Know your stars…Alyssa Milano, she owns slaves._

Alyssa: (Sitting in a chair in the middle of the room.) What? No I don't! That's morally wrong!

Voice: _Alyssa Milano…Is morally wrong._

Alyssa: That's _not _what I said and you know it!

Voice: _Fine…Alyssa Milano… gives head for $2.50._

Alyssa: (Looking around.) Ok, that's-just-wrong! I've never given head in my life!

Voice: _Uh huh, sure, whatever slave owner._

Alyssa: I DO NOT OWN SLAVES! Where are you getting this shit?

Voice: _Alyssa Milano…She makes her slaves get her shit._

Alyssa: Will you stop twisting my words? And who the hell are you? Shannen?…Mom?

Voice: _Alyssa Milano…she raped a clown._

Alyssa: That's disgusting! Why would I-

Voice: _Alyssa Milano…**is **a clown._

Alyssa: That doesn't even make sense! If I'm a clown it means I raped myself!

Voice: _Alyssa Milano…raped herself._

Alyssa: Alyssa Milano…is extremely pissed.

Voice: _I don't care…_

Alyssa: (Standing up.) That's it. I'm fucking out of here. (She walks out.)

Voice: _Alyssa Milano…is fucking out of here…_

END…If you want it to be

I'll do the other people if you guys want…

Nicole/Shannen


	2. Rose McGowan

**_Chapter 2: Rose McGowan_**

_Voice: Know your stars….Know your stars….Know your stars….Rose McGowan…She's a man…a big, **stro-ng **man!_

Rose: (Sitting in the chair) What's with all the gay jokes lately? Do I _look _like a guy to you?

Voice: Rose McGowan…she looks like a guy to you. 

Rose: Why the hell am I even here? I got some memo saying they wanted me to do a spread for People.

_Voice: Rose McGowan…she likes to kill people and spread them on crackers._

Rose: O-K that's fucking disgusting! The day I eat another person is the day that I die!

Voice: Rose McGowan…is a flesh eating, cracker-spreading, gay zombie… And she smells too! 

Rose: (looking around) Wait a minute! Alyssa told me about you! You're the jerk who said all those evil (yet true) things about her!

Voice: Rose McGowan…is so uninteresting…I want to kill myself. 

Rose: Where the hell are you? Show yourself! (She gets up and starts to spin around.) What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for! (Still spinning) What are you—(She spins and crashes into the camera, knocking it over and falling down.)

Voice: Rose McGow…hey where'd ya go? I didn't even get to make fun of your mustache or your lack color coordination and style!

(Many hours later…Rose sits up and looks around.)

Rose: Wha? What the hell happened? (loud snoring is heard)

(The voice guy wakes up)

Voice: Rose McGowan…looks like hell. Ha! Yes! In yo face, sucka! 

(Rose gets up and starts to leave…)

Rose: (muttering) That is the last time I listen to my agent.

Voice: Rose McGowan…is a slut…she has a rubber butt…and when she walks around…it goes putt-putt! 

Rose: Screw you guys, I'm goin home.

Voice: Rose McGowan…likes to screw guys…wait, that's not bad! Noooo! 

Next time…Shannen Doherty…that says it all…

Yea, that was weird…but Rose was damn near impossible to do. But Shannen and them are gonna be easier!

Nicole/shannenΩ


	3. Shannen Doherty

Chapter 3: Shannen Doherty… 

Voice: _Know your stars…Know your Stars…Know your--Wait a minute, does Shannen Doherty even count as a star? I mean, she hasn't done anything in like 3 years._

Producer: Uh, yea…she is.

Voice: _Eh, all right, if you say so... Shannen Doherty…She's Satan in heels. _

Shannen: Wha? No I'm not! I'm Southern Baptist! I love and worship our Lord!

Voice: _Shannen Doherty…Loves to worship the Dark Lord and baptize Southerners in his name._

Shannen: What the hell are you talking about? That's a horrible thing to say! You are a horrible person!

Voice: _Shannen Doherty… Likes to talk about hell and is a terrible person._

Shannen: You don't know me!

Voice: _You're right. And I don't want to…Shannen Doherty…The reason one of her eyes is crooked is because it's trying to escape. Freak._

Shannen: Na ah! It's like that because…well, I'm not sure. And I'm not a freak! Ask any of the people on my site. I'm like a god to those people!"

Voice: _Suuurre and I'm Holly Marie Combs._

Shannen: Holly? Why would you say such mean things? I sang at your wedding!

Voice: _Oy, Shannen Doherty…is worse than Rose McGowan._

Shannen: Hey now! I'm a hell of a lot better than that mustache havin-Marilyn Manson lovin-show stealin-_bimbo_!

Voice: _Shannen Doherty…she's all of those things…and more._

Shannen: Why am I even still here? I need a job, but not that badly.

Voice: _Shannen Doherty…Can't hold down a job for her pathetic life._

Shannen: Okay, I'm outta here. I want my check in the mail, bitches. (She gets up and leaves.)

Voice: _Shannen Doherty…Likes checkin the mail…bitches._

TBC…

Next Week…Kaley Cuoco…and maybe a song or two! Not…

Uh huh…

Nicole/Shannen


	4. Kaley Cuoco

A:N/ sorry bout the wait guys, I'm just really not in the mood to do any Charmed stories lately. But never the less I'll try to have all my stories updated by next Monday. Chapter 4: Kaley Cuoco 

Voice: _Know your stars… Know your stars…Know your stars…Kaley Cuoco, she isn't a star, I should be calling this, 'Know your show ruining bimbo.'_

Kaley: (looking around, a little scared.) W-who said that? Hey, wait, I'm not a bimbo!"

Voice: _Yes you are, you are a blonde bimbo and you can't act. Oh, I mean, Know your stars…Know your stars…Know yours stars…Kaley Cuoco; she's a blonde bimbo who can't act. There, that's more like it._

Kaley: No! I am a great actress and a…reasonable person! What you're saying is like knives to my heart!

Voice: _Kaley Cuoco…She's not a great actress and likes to stick knives in people's hearts._

Kaley: That's sick!

Voice: _Kaley Cuoco…She's sick. I mean really sick. Like make you wanna puke your guts out sick. Like---_

Kaley: Okay! Okay! I get it! You don't like me. But there's gotta be _someone _out there that likes me!

(Cricket chirps)

Voice: _Omigod…say something interesting you fruitcake! I'm dying of boredom here!_

Kaley: Voice Dude…he's dying of boredom here.

Voice: _Hey bitch, that's my line!…ehem, Voice Dude…he's dying of boredom here. _

Kaley: This is getting ridiculous, when does the interview start? I have to pee.

Voice: _Kaley Cuoco…Has to pee, so I'm gonna keep her here as long as I can._

Kaley: Noooo! You can't do that! It's unethical!

Voice: _Kaley Cuoco…she's unethical, and she isn't a natural blonde._

(Kaley gasps loudly.)

Kaley: How _dare _you!

Voice: _I dare just fine, thank you._

Kaley: Screw you.

Voice: _Kaley Cuoco…she wants to screw you! Run away! Put your legs together! Do it now!_

Kaley:(muttering)…Great, now I need to go change my pants. (She stands up.)

Voice: _K-Kaley Cuoc-co…sh-she needs to go chang-chang-change her pants! Ahahahaha! _

(Kaley stars crying.)

Kaley: Meanie.

Voice: _Hey Kaley, turn around._

(She turns around and gets shot in the face, she falls to the ground, dead.)

Voice: _Uh huh, oh yea, I'm the man, I rock. Go me. I killed the bimbo._

(Everyone cheers)

…And peace was restored to the small San Francisco family and a loud cheer rose up from across the land. Kaley Crackhead was dead, and all was right with the world.

…--…--…

Ok, I know that should've been easier to write, considering my deep hatred for the Blonde One and her antics, but I honestly couldn't think of anything. Sorry.

Next Week- Or Tomorrow…Holly Marie Combs.


	5. Holly Marie Combs

**A:N/ **Ok, quick thing here. No-more-complaining! Ok? It's starting to tick me off a little. So, if you're going to say something in the review like 'that was mean! Shannen's not a bitch! (I know that!) Kaley's not a Bimbo!(HA)' just save us both some freakin time and just don't bother reviewing. I don't know how to make this any clearer than it already is! I _don't mean any of it!_ It's just harmless fun! I mean, it's not like any of the cast are going to _happen_ upon this site and onto this very story! Christ! The only person I mean to make fun of is BILLIE! And that's because she's so damn ditzy it's fuckin scary! Alright? I really don't mean to sound rude- frustrated maybe- but I'm sick of reading complaints! If you have a suggestion about how I could _improve _on my _writing_, by all means, shoot. But otherwise- stop whining, especially about Holly. I get that she's most people's favorite. She's my second favorite, but they're all fair game here! So please just- lay -off. I don't complain about any of your stories, do I? Sorry if I pissed anybody off because of this but I've had a bad day and I come home to read complaints. I don't need it…I don't deserve it…show a little respect---please.

dopey85xxx: Yea, I'm gonna do Julian…Drew…maybe Dorian if I can think of somethin. If they're been on the show for more than 2 eps they're gonna be on here… Thanxs!

_Now- anyway---Holly Marie Combs…._

Voice: _Know your stars…know your stars…know your stars…Holly Marie Combs…she's never done anything wrong in her life. She's never even gotten a parking ticket._

Holly: Oh that's bullsh!t! (She gets up and slams her chair on the ground.) I've done plenty of shi!t you people ain't caught! East Side fo-eva bitches! (she flashes a gang sign)

Producer: Ok Holly, we believe you, so if you can just finish the interview we can all be on our way.

Holly: (two security guards are inching closer. She throws out her hands.) Hey, hey! I'm cool! Just chill. (Someone hands her another chair and she sits down and crosses her legs.) (Sweetly) Ok, let's get started.

Voice: _O-K…Holly Marie Combs…she's the reason people carry around guns these days._

Holly: What! (she stands up) You wanna start somethin? Huh fool!

Voice: _Oh bring it on Combs! Bring- it- on!_

Holly: I'd kick the shit out of you if you weren't a dumbass voice.

Voice: _Holly Marie Combs…she's a little wuss._

Holly: You bas-…

(Holly's husband and lil boy walk in.)

David: (scared) Sorry to bother you h-honey, but, Finley needs his diaper changed…_bad_.

(The voice starts gagging loudly.)

Voice: _Oh- god…what the hell do you two feed that kid? Sulfer!_

Holly: (through gritted teeth, but sweetly.) _Sweetie,_ can't you do it?

(He shakes his head.) (She throws out her hands and they both…freeze. Oh-my-god.)

Voice: _Holy hell! You have powers in real life?_

Holly: Well _der_!

Voice: (Scared)_Umm I-I have to go!_

(Silence)

Holly: (muttering) Who's the wuss now? Oh, wait—The Voice Guy…he's the wuss now. (She leaves…after unfreezing her husband and kid.)

End.

Next Week…Brian Krause

Yea, that sucked. Sorry. I'm just tired., and frustrated…the One Tree Hill season finale was so freakin depressing.

P.S. Please still review this! I know I pissed some people off earlier- I still appreciate the reviews, just not complaining. It's just a story.

Nicole


	6. Brian Krause

**A:N/ **lots of love to everyone who reviewed…Glad you all liked it and no one sniped at me. Hopefully sooner or later everyone will learn that it's called _Fiction_…and fiction means 'not-real'…anyway, thanks.

…--…--…

Brian Krause- 

Voice: _Know your stars…Know your stars…Know your stars…Brian Krause, he got kicked off the only solid gig he's ever had to be replaced by Kaley Crackhead. Now he sits in his mom's basement all day playing guitar and smoking pot._

Brian: (sitting in the 'chair'.) How do you know what I do during the day? Uh, I-I mean…that's not true! I spent time with my little boy. I force him to go to TV auditions in hopes that I will someday be able to live vicariously through him!

Voice: _.…Brian Krause…he's making this way too easy for me._

Brian: Wha? I resent that! I am not easy! I don't care _what _Drew says. Or Eric…or Belthazar Getty…or Nick…or…

Voice: (he's gotten bored so his mind is drifting off) _I wonder what I would look like with a mustache? I bet I'd look gooood…Ugh, what the hell is he talking about? I need to get a different job…this thing is just degrading. Maybe I'll find out what Shannen's up to next and replace her in that. I just hope it's nothing with the Oxygen Channel. Ugh, Lifetime wannabes._

Brian: …Even that guy who played Drake…and don't _even _listen to a word that bitch Brad says, he's crazy…

Voice: _Brian Krause…he's sluttier than Alyssa Milano. And that's saying something._

Brian: I'm not sluttier than Alyssa! Her and that Cooter Tat of hers have seen more beds than I have in a whole year!

Voice: _So…what you're saying is; you never get laid? So you're a loser?_

Brian: No! That's not what I said at all dammit! I just simply said---

Voice: _Brian Krause…he hasn't had sex in months…cuz he's a loooser. Hahaha._

Brian: (Tearing up) Now, that's a lie and you know it! We had sex before this interview!

Voice: _Uh…that wasn't me…it was my—uh--stunt double—yea._

Brian: (officially crying) You're lying! (he gets up and starts running out but stops) I have crabs ya know. (he runs out)

Voice: (scratches) _Uh oh._

…--…--…

**Next Week….**A _whole _lotta cleansing…and whoever you guys think I should do next…I need some brain bleach now, excuse me…-shudder-

Sorry, I knew this was short, but I just wanted to get it updated.

-Nicole-


	7. Julian McMahon

_-Sorry for the crazy long wait, I haven't felt like doing Charmed stories lately._

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Charmed.

…--…--…

Julian McMahon- 

Voice: _Know your stars…Know your stars…Know your stars…Julian McMahon…he's getting old._

Julian: (In 'the chair'.) Whoa, what? I'm not getting old! I'm as young as ever! Satan and I have a deal. Never kiss Alyssa again and I get to live forever as my hot-sexy self.

Voice: _Julian McMahon…he just admitted that Alyssa was Satan and that he liked to make out with her._

Julian: Ew! Lies! And in my defense, the only reason I dated Shannen was so I didn't have to date Milano.

Voice: _Julian McMahon…he dated Alyssa and Shannen and liked it!_

Julian: Hey! Don't make me kick your ass, man!

Voice: _…At least I have one._

_(Ooh!)_

Julian: (Stands-up and looks at his butt.) I do too have an ass!

Voice: _Julian McMahon…he's an ass, an ass with a balding head._

Julian: (hiding back tears.) I-I'm not balding! It's just a thin spot!

Voice: _You could see it from space... Like the Great Wall of China._

Julian: Why are you being so mean to me! I understand why you did it to the others, but I got away! I-got-away! I'm on Nip/Tuck for Piper's sake!

Voice: _Julian McMahon…he wants to get a little Nip and Tuck so he can get away with looking like Piper._

Julian: (Raises an eyebrow.) You're not even making any sense!

Voice: _I know you are but what am I?_

Julian:…What!

Voice:_…exactly…baldy._

Julian: That's it! I gotta get out of here! I need someone to tell me I'm hot! (he runs out.)

Voice: _Julian McMahon…he has an inferiority complex the size of his bald-spot. Hehe_

TBC… 

…--…--…

Whoa, that was weird…tell me who I should do next.

REVIEW!

Nicole


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